Sorry, Not Sorry and July 7th

       This is where a turning point for me happened and I started my journey of “letting it go”. I started worrying over sharing this information with people who needed to know, like my bosses. I then started to worry about hurting feelings of those who weren’t going to hear the news from me directly like family, co-workers, friends, yet I was starting to have anxiety over having to share what was happening repeatedly. It was getting to the point, where I wanted to just deal with it and move forward. It seemed like the reaction I was getting from everyone was so bad that in order for me to move forward and kick this cancer in the ass I needed to limit my interactions with as many people as possible.  This whole "who should I tell personally?" was like trying to figure out who to invite to a wedding or birthday party…”If I invite Barbara, then we’ll have to invite her sister and cousin.” For those of you who know me well, you know how much I hate birthday parties...After much criticism from a certain neighbor, let’s just call her Mariluz for now, she helped me realize that I have got to stop worrying about inconveniencing people. I was in the early stages of coping with this stupid cancer for crying out loud and I was worried about hurting someone else’s feelings who would get the news second hand. Plus, I had zero answers on anything except for the fact that I had breast cancer. What type of conversation could I possibly have with somebody? "Hi, I have breast cancer, but that's all the information I have. What did you have for lunch today?"

       It took a few days, but once I was able to unhook that cart o' guilt it was pretty liberating. I was able to move forward and be empowered with the thought that if someone was upset that they didn’t hear the news, that it was their problem, not ours. Sorry, not sorry.

 

July 7th Tuesday

I was up all night. Not really thinking about anything in particular, but just up tossing and turning. I can tell I have a lot on my mind but my brain has put up a mental block and I cannot access any type of processing of the situation. I feel like I am just stuck in mud. I get out of bed at 5:00 AM and watch the sunrise in the playroom. I research breast cancer support groups and research Paget’s Disease. Darin stays home with me in the morning and we decide to go to breakfast together. Everything seemed fine and I was glad to be getting out of the house and going to do one of my favorite things (EAT!). We laughed, ate breakfast and had a normal time that a normal couple would have. I drove us home and a song came on the radio that I hadn’t heard in years. It had no significance to me, except for one portion of lyrics that talked about a little boy sitting at home all alone while his mom was out looking for money to feed him ( I will give/send $5.00 to anyone who can guess the name of the song. Added bonus, you can make money while reading this blog!).  There was no particular significance to the meaning of this particular lyric either except for the words “your son”. It kept playing over and over again. I could feel a response happening in my body that was unstoppable. I could feel the food traveling up out of my stomach and into my throat. I could feel the sweat pouring out of me. Tears started filling up my eyes, but I had sunglasses on and it wasn’t noticeable yet. Darin was rambling on about something and I could make out the tone of his voice but I couldn’t make out a single word he was saying. All I could hear was the repetition of that lyric. I pulled the car over suddenly and broke down. When I say “broke down” I don’t mean I cried and then felt better. I sobbed. I shook. I hyperventilated. I cried really hard. Like snot running out of my nose, soaking my shirt. I was drenched in sweat and ready to vomit. Darin pulled me out of the car and was trying to hug me but I could barely stand. I looked up and noticed I was in the CVS parking lot, cars were driving by and people were staring at me. I wondered what that looked like to someone, this, what appeared to be “unstable person” having this huge meltdown in a parking lot?

We get home and Darin has me lay on the couch with a blanket. I’ve stopped crying by this point and zone out on the couch. I started to feel somewhat better and told him he was fine to go to work and that I would call him if I needed to. I told him how worried I was to tell my boss and that I didn’t think that I could go up to school to do it because I didn’t want to see anyone else. Darin said to ask him to come to the house. I still have no answers on if the cancer has spread anywhere and I don’t know how to explain my situation to anyone, but school is starting soon and I need to get a plan in place. I told Darin that I’d be fine, so he left for work. 2 minutes later he marches Mariluz over to the house and apologizes for ratting me out about my meltdown but that he knows that I need help with telling my boss. She yells at me in a jokingly way that I need to let people help me and that she’ll be back in 30 minutes. Darin smiles at me and waves goodbye, because he knows if he sticks around any longer that I’ll yell at him for going to get me help.

I call my mom after she leaves and we cry together on the phone and she says she’s coming in. I told her I woke up and things were sinking in a little bit at a time and that I was scared. My phone rings while I am on the phone with my mom and it’s Freddie from the Dr.’s office. They moved schedules around and got me an appointment at 1:00 to have an ultrasound. I feel relieved and thankful that people have been working so fast on my case.

Mariluz comes over to clean my house and her eyes are full of tears. I can’t cry, I just feel bad for her because I don’t want her to be sad for me.  I am still numb . My mom shows up and her and Mariluz cry together. I just stand in the kitchen and give them Kleenex like they are watching some tear jerker movie. I am still numb. Darin comes home for my appointment. I am grateful but feel bad that everyone is giving up all this time to be with me. I can’t cry or have a reaction. I keep looking at the clock because the time is coming for us to leave for my appointment, but my bosses haven’t showed up yet. Finally with about 10 minutes to spare Bruce and Scozz show up. I instantly begin sweating, shaking and pacing. My eyes fill up with tears. I act happy when they show up, but they are both looking at me concerned when they see everyone who is in the house. We sit down at the table and I start to fumble over my words. They are both staring at me and I can tell that they know something major is happening. Darin is standing behind me rubbing my shoulders. I blurt out that I have breast cancer and they seem calm. I start to feel embarrassed, like I am overreacting to my situation so I start talking really fast and stutter over my diagnosis.  Luckily I look at the clock and see that I need to leave for my appointment and Mariluz agrees to stay and discuss the details with them. The whole way to my appointment I get hung up on whether I am over reacting to this whole ordeal and begin to feel guilty for people feeling concerned for me.

I am the youngest person in the Women’s Breast Clinic by many years. By MANY years. I walk by to use the bathroom and I see women peek up above their Good Housekeeping magazines to look at me and my pregnant belly which makes me wonder what people are thinking. I go back for my ultrasound and it’s painful. My right breast is sore and so are my stitches. The tech presses really hard over my stitches and it makes me cringe. We are led to a really cold waiting room and I start to get irritated that no one is having any fun. I have hardly laughed at all today and that makes me feel shitty. I download the Ellen DeGeneres game “Heads Up” on my phone to pass the time. To make a note of this experience, don’t ever have my mom on your team. For one: she doesn’t know hardly any answers, for two: she starts with these laughing fits, which are very entertaining, but not good for winning.  The Dr. comes in and says that the ultrasound did not show any tumors in my breast. I get a call to see Dr. Chu the following day at 8:00AM.

I don’t remember anything else for the remainder of the day. Except Marco asks to sleep with us and falls to sleep immediately. I lay awake in bed all night because my nightmares have set in and I’m scared to go to sleep.