My phone rings and when I pick it up I hear Lorena tell me I have Breast Cancer. I can't hear anything else and my ears start making a screeching sound and I am having trouble catching my breath. I wake up completely drenched in sweat and a mere 4 hours later, my nightmare plays out exactly how my dream had predicted.
Flash forward 365 days...
It's warm out, I know, because I can feel it. It's sunny and bright, but everything is blurred, like when it's too bright out and you have to squint your eyes. A crab comes into view and is vibrant and orange. Someone says, "remember this." I do. People are around me, I can hear their muffled voices, children laughing, the mood is light and tranquil. I open my eyes and Darin is grabbing Simona out of bed and I smile and roll over. A bright orange crab.
A crab in a dream signifies perseverance and tenacity. It also represents a handful of other things, but I am taking this for what it means to me. The color orange represents harmony that is achieved through a cycle of time. You know the saying, "What a difference a year makes?" Well, my dream last year might as well of had me being launched with no helmet and clenching a grilled cheese sandwich out of Mt. St. Helen when she was fucking exploding. That would've been pretty representative of what my life held for me that next day.
My life is different now. I have a new normal. Psychologically, I am damaged, but it's nothing I can't handle, but there are some moments where I feel like I just can't process any more emotions. I'm getting back in shape, I am reconnecting with my family, I am still drinking a lot of alcohol. My brain will always hold a small residence in Cancerland and that's something I will have to manage for the remainder of my life; the fear that looms when it gets too quiet that there is something beyond me that could come back to finish me off. I don't mourn the loss of my boob, I'm getting way better ones put on. I do mourn the time that this disgusting and awful disease took away from me and my kids and the toxicity that it oozed into my marriage. My therapist reminds me that Marco and Simona will have no recollection of this, but as a mom, I'll always remember.
The physical pain and fatigue is not over yet. My next round of surgeries begins in December and the process will continue a few months later. My life will keep moving forward. Marco will still have meltdowns, Simona will be crawling, Gobi will still be walking backwards and Darin will be Darin, and I will try my best to be nice. We will prevail and I will have new free boobs.
This blog has been therapeutic, but I am also ready to close the door. If it helped just one person besides myself, it has served its purpose. I am meant to do something important and what that is just yet, I am unsure. The amount of love and admiration I have received has been phenomenal. There are no words that can ever thank you all enough. I've received so many gifts that it has made up for my birthday being so close to Christmas and either being forgotten or given a combination gift. I'm still waiting for my beach house to come in the mail. Oprah, are you there? The on-going joke this year has been that I should get sick more often. That's a JOKE. Did you hear that universe? J.O.K.E.
So, this is where we leave each other. I'm pushing you out the door and thanking you for coming over. I've made you a list of songs, because I measure my life in music, and Katie Louk I still owe you $5.00 and a pink boa for winning the music trivia question months back. I see you. You'll get your money plus interest.
Sending a huge hug to everyone and throwing two middle fingers up in the air to you, cancer.
Love,
Allison
